read with caution: it's confusing even for the writer...(I promise you I'm not usually like this)

Senior year is full of “lasts” and Raya Celebration is just one of them. It is safe to say that every senior who came to school was because of that: it's the last raya celebration we could participate as a student in this school. It made it extra special, they say.

I'm happy and grateful for my friends. Thankful that they came to spend time together; and I finally get to take a picture with zahrah, vivien and zwani together. We've been friends for 4 years, and I can finally have pictures of four of us that I can cherish. This was enough to make me feel sane for the rest of the day – and boy do I need something to stay sane, alright.

I'm not going to lie, other than the fact that I want to feel pretty for myself (when else can we feel this way during a school day?) I wanted to look “pretty” for him as well.

I kind of felt a bit sadden by that, to be honest, because I like to think that I'm not easily influenced that way – like how I used to be. It felt kind of immature and a bit degrading. Doing this for someone else... I find it shallow and naïve. But yeah, that was what I felt. And that was not a good feeling.

Not only does that thought stuck in mind, but the fact that he did a vanishing act and how much I'm affected by it haunts me. I felt that I was another step lower down my level. I could never thought I'm feeling the same way I've felt when I was just in my early teens. It kind of disgusts me. I can't believe I'm affected by how he's not even there. I can't believe that my mood can be affected by him. These feelings are just a nuisance... I dislike it.

But how the hell do I stop it?

Well, diverting the focus of the feelings seems to do the trick, but it kinda hurts real bad in a similar way so no point in that.

*

“It's sort of like watching your ex-boyfriend being happier without you – that kind of bitter sweet feeling.”

He is my best friend. I mean. Was. It kind of stings when I said it.

There wasn't exactly a breaking point – no one knew when we started to cut off all kind of communication with each other; no one expected it. It was like a dwindling down of a shop – silent and unnoticeable.

I missed him dearly. But I knew it was the right thing to do. He seems happier without me and seeing him laugh with the others aches me – yet warms my heart. 

It aches because he's not beside me and I am not the reason for his laugh; it aches because I was once very dear to him as well. 

But It's warm because he is happy. If he's happy, I'm doubly happy... but I wonder if he was searching across the sea of people to see me in the crowd... just like how I did? I wonder if he noticed my “motherly” gazes from across the room? I wonder if he knew that it still hurts seeing him without me?

It doesn't matter any more. I had vowed to myself that I could never let him be exposed to any sort of pain – especially pain inflicted by myself. I was not worth his precious time. I do not deserve his presence. I do not deserve anything that has to do with him.

All I deserve is the pain from the memories. The aches of the heart. My guilt-ridden mind. That is all I deserve.

And I hope he forgets. As much as I miss him, as much as I still find him very dear to me, I still hope he could forget everything from our past. It is painful as hell and I don't want him to feel that way.

*

On a slight happier note, the real ex-boyfriend came along. And my guilt-ridden mind was a tonne heavier than before. But in another way, it was lighten. We're still friends. And that made me happy, and I'm grateful of how he initiates the conversations. I'm happy when he does it. I kind of long for that kind of action – because sometimes I'm tired of taking action: I'm tired of gaining courage to say hi. I'm tired of doing all the worrying.

Sometimes, I want to be saved. Sometimes I want to be pampered. Sometimes I want to be told that I am not worthless.

Sometimes I just want you to initiate the conversation first.

I'm tired of these feelings. I'm tired of the guilt, I'm tired of the longing. They drain my energy and my emotional bar get zapped so quickly. So after the celebration, I thought I could raise my emotional bar level with my family but I was disappointed to a whole new level.

*

My patience was running low and you broke it.

I loved you.

You were family; family is everything to me. You guys are my priority in life. You guys do not know how much I care for you.

But –

I am just your play thing for you guys to bully and humiliate. My begs are discarded to the side and my pleads are ignored. I can't tolerate that especially when I know that you know how tired I was. I was almost driven to tears – and I know you knew that. I am tired of your bullshit. I am tired of everyone's bullshit.

But that's the specialty of family. You can't exactly get rid of them. As much as I despised you of what you did to me, I still hold you very dear to my heart. Imagine having to accept someone who have hurt you so fucking bad - with open arms. Yeah, you wouldn't want to either.

I've even been thinking about electronic cigarettes. One of you showed it to me and I guess it kind of clicked, “So this is how people take up stupid things, huh?”

I had to dig my nails deep into my skin to prevent tears from falling... and I notice how fond I feel whenever I look at the wounds that shone pink after a few minutes. I wonder what this will lead me.

Overall, it's a tiring, tiring, tiring day. And I feel like I can't take it no more.

My acting skills have improved though. That's why I'm still here.

But I wonder how it will end up when people's shit and my infinite flaws finally passed my breaking point?