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Day 2 of Miri Trip and Day 1/3 of AYEF
Monday, December 2, 2013 | 12:26 AM | 0 flower(s)
It's 12:09am and I'm shivering. Dinah and Jia Yi are still busy preparing their presentations at the lobby. Ms. Hayatul texted half an hour ago hoping that we were still sleeping.Guiltily ignores it because I can't exactly go out and find my new roommates... or do I? I came in late for the registration - well okay I didn't even come during the registration because I was well 150km away from everyone else. Which reminds me that I need to upload pictures from the Miri trip with fambamz. Ms. Hayatul mentioned that we should start writing for our reports - I did but as I haven't even formally start anything, I decided to just made a draft and write this post instead, as a more personal, diary-like report that I can refer when I really start writing the report. I came at around 10pm - I met Dinah before she goes out for her meeting with Malik - while Jia Yi was showering. Jia Yi seems really nice, we talked and I'm glad she find me nice as well. I can understand how hard it is to live with strangers, not to mention foreigners. I'm relieved that I get to room with Dinah - at least we knew each other. I unpacked a bit of my stuff (not all just in case they need tho unpack as well) and I noticed how, all these time travelling, I've never unpacked at a hotel. Which I guess is probably because the stay at that hotel is too brief and it's just annoying to do it. So while I was watching VIXX's MTV Diary and eating cup noodles, I randomly just stood up and think that I should unpack since I'm going to stay for 5 days. Not sure If I'd upload pictures because it seems like a pain but we'll see haha. I'm sleepy and it's 12.30 I should sleep. They're still not here. MTV DIARY. hyde is playing. I should stop. Proper report ish post tomorrow, hopefully. Labels: ayef, blog, life, miri, writing sanity tested
Monday, September 9, 2013 | 9:26 PM | 0 flower(s)
read with caution: it's confusing even for the writer...(I promise you I'm not usually like this)
Senior year is full of “lasts” and
Raya Celebration is just one of them. It is safe to say that every
senior who came to school was because of that: it's the last raya
celebration we could participate as a student in this school. It made
it extra special, they say.
I'm happy and grateful for my friends.
Thankful that they came to spend time together; and I finally get to
take a picture with zahrah, vivien and zwani together. We've
been friends for 4 years, and I can finally have pictures of four of
us that I can cherish. This was enough to make me feel sane for the
rest of the day – and boy do I need something to stay sane,
alright.
I'm not
going to lie, other than the fact that I want to feel pretty for
myself (when else can we feel this way during a school day?) I wanted
to look “pretty” for him as well.
I kind
of felt a bit sadden by that, to be honest, because I like to think
that I'm not easily influenced that way – like how I used to be. It
felt kind of immature and a bit degrading. Doing this for
someone else... I find it shallow and naïve. But yeah, that was what
I felt. And that was not a good feeling.
Not only
does that thought stuck in mind, but the fact that he did a vanishing
act and how much I'm affected by it haunts me. I felt that I
was another step lower down my level. I could never thought I'm
feeling the same way I've felt when I was just in my early teens. It
kind of disgusts me. I can't believe I'm affected by how he's not
even there. I can't believe that my mood can be affected by him.
These feelings are just a nuisance... I dislike it.
But how
the hell do I stop it?
Well,
diverting the focus of the feelings seems to do the trick, but it
kinda hurts real bad in a similar way so no point in that.
*
“It's sort of like
watching your ex-boyfriend being happier without you – that kind of
bitter sweet feeling.”
He is my
best friend. I mean. Was.
There
wasn't exactly a breaking point – no one knew when we started to
cut off all kind of communication with each other; no one expected it. It was like a dwindling
down of a shop – silent and unnoticeable.
I missed
him dearly. But I knew it was the right thing to do. He seems happier
without me and seeing him laugh with the others aches me – yet
warms my heart.
It aches because he's not beside me and I am not the
reason for his laugh; it aches because I was once very dear to him as
well.
But It's warm because he is happy. If he's happy, I'm doubly
happy... but I wonder if he was searching across the sea of people to
see me in the crowd... just like how I did? I wonder if he noticed my
“motherly” gazes from across the room? I wonder if he knew that
it still hurts seeing him without me?
It
doesn't matter any more. I had vowed to myself that I could never let
him be exposed to any sort of pain – especially pain inflicted by
myself. I was not worth his precious time. I do not deserve his
presence. I do not deserve anything that has to do with him.
All I
deserve is the pain from the memories. The aches of the heart. My
guilt-ridden mind. That is all I deserve.
And I
hope he forgets. As much as I miss him, as much as I still find him
very dear to me, I still hope he could forget everything from our
past. It is painful as hell and I don't want him to feel that
way.
*
On a
slight happier note, the real ex-boyfriend came along. And my
guilt-ridden mind was a tonne heavier than before. But in another
way, it was lighten. We're still friends. And that made me happy, and
I'm grateful of how he initiates the conversations. I'm happy when he
does it. I kind of long for that kind of action – because sometimes
I'm tired of taking action: I'm tired of gaining courage to say hi.
I'm tired of doing all the worrying.
Sometimes,
I want to be saved. Sometimes I want to be pampered. Sometimes I want
to be told that I am not worthless.
Sometimes
I just want you to initiate the conversation first.
I'm
tired of these feelings. I'm tired of the guilt, I'm tired of the
longing. They drain my energy and my emotional bar get zapped so
quickly. So after the celebration, I thought I could raise my
emotional bar level with my family but I was disappointed to a whole
new level.
*
My
patience was running low and you broke it.
I loved you.
You were
family; family is everything to me. You guys are my priority in life.
You guys do not know how much I care for you.
But –
I am
just your play thing for you guys to bully and humiliate. My begs are
discarded to the side and my pleads are ignored. I can't tolerate
that especially when I know that you know how tired I was. I was
almost driven to tears – and I know you knew that. I am tired of
your bullshit. I am tired of everyone's bullshit.
But
that's the specialty of family. You can't exactly get rid of them.
As much as I despised you of what you did to me, I still hold you
very dear to my heart. Imagine having to accept someone who have hurt
you so fucking bad - with open arms. Yeah, you wouldn't want to either.
I've
even been thinking about electronic cigarettes. One of you showed it
to me and I guess it kind of clicked, “So this is how people take
up stupid things, huh?”
I had to
dig my nails deep into my skin to prevent tears from falling... and I
notice how fond I feel whenever I look at the wounds that shone pink
after a few minutes. I wonder what this will lead me.
Overall,
it's a tiring, tiring, tiring day. And I feel like I can't take it no
more.
My
acting skills have improved though. That's why I'm still here.
But I
wonder how it will end up when people's shit and my infinite flaws
finally passed my breaking point?
Labels: blog, emotions, rants, writing A Sea of "Just Me"s.
Monday, August 19, 2013 | 10:37 AM | 0 flower(s)
Qualifying exams starts tomorrow and saying that I'm nervous seems like a real understatement.Raya isn't helping; like I predicted. It is quite hard when you grow up in a very family-oriented environment: you can't just say 'no' to your family. So off I go celebrating raya with them while my revision lay hidden somewhere under the mess of the table. I must be lying if I say I would prefer to study than to go with my family but the annoying, subtle "fear" and "anxiety" always knocks in my mind and I couldn't enjoy anything much. Revision is not going so well. It scares me. I have been dealing with fearful thoughts and nightmares of failing; and each day, each minute that goes by without me absorbing as much information on organic chemistry or NMR spectroscopy as possible, I see it more clearer: the picture of me failing myself - failing my own dreams. Self-motivation is too slippery. Too slick. Too soapy. At one point of your life, you could hold on to that soapy mess and you can use it to your advantage. Other times, its just you with the soap having a battle of hands and soapiness. You can't seem to grab that aspect of self-motivation. That's what it is right now. This huge, bouldering mass of procrastination tipping the balance of the war and making me lose the battle miserably. As much as I try to force myself to study, I just can't. As much as I persuade myself to study, I just can't. As much as I taunt myself, as this exam is very important for me to reach my dream, I just can't. I can't do this alone. I need someone to help me - but whenever I whip around and see my surroundings, I just see myself in a see of nothingness. A sea of "just me"s. Labels: attempts in writing, blog, busy busy busy, emotions, exams, fail studying, favourite post, life, writing Wishes and promotions
Saturday, October 15, 2011 | 2:51 PM | 0 flower(s)
I've always wished that I could somehow write in the way my favourite authors can write; be it a real published author or a blog-author.My most favourite blogger (excluding friends) yet: www.resistantbutpersistant.blogspot.com Her writing is simple yet beautiful that touched many hearts. She reminds me of someone too. ;) *raises eyebrows to CW* Enjoy her games with words. p/s: I'll post that compo Friday next week okay? Next week's pretty hectic. |
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