//8

The Nothingness, Creatures of Abyss and The Book.

Thursday, October 10, 2013 | 9:27 PM | 0 flower(s)

Sometimes, randomly during any time of the day, my mind goes blank and my conscious fades.

I would sense myself floating away from reality of algebraic numbers and unrequited feelings and I would find in my hands, a slightly dusty, slightly wrinkly book; with no backbone, just two thin ropes, tying everything together in one messy bundle.

I would run over the golden words that are etched on the graphite black cover. A mixture of emotions all jumbled up into one heavy, heavy, heart. By then, I would have already opened up a page.

Most times, I hear the Thunder God grumbling in the distance while the floor gave way and I fall.

Like Alice going down the rabbit hole.

falling down,

down,

down.

Except Alice didn't know what was going to happen. I do. And it was enough for Fear to grow in my heart.

It was never the same thing: except for the Hands. Everywhere. Grabbing my limbs, grabbing my hair, grabbing my Soul.

One time it was at the Murky, Inky Lake. I was drowning while the water clings on places the Hands haven't reached; seeping, like blood away from a corpse.

The Fear in me grew and it rose high in the dark sky, it's cloak flapping in the harsh wind. It hovers over me in my helplessness. I would struggle – but more of the Inky Water would cling their wet, sticky goo on my skin.

In the end I would surrender to them - heart, mind and soul - and I would sink deeper into the abyss of the lake.

Sometimes though, The Fear would stay out of sight (leaving its lingering presence) - but The Monsters would come:

The Raengs, an ogre, knowing that I can't fight back even if I could, would beat me up - always leaving me conscious enough to feel the pain. His face remains ugly, emotionless and cold, but sometimes, I would look up from the bloody ground, feeling his salty, silent tears rain down on my wounds – feeling the hiss of the contact between water and flesh – while I cry with him until I fall to unconsciousness.

Then there are the Poinderess. Tiny creatures that floats within the Abyss. I've seen them sometimes, in the real world. Its tail wrapping tightly around one's heart. Sharing their depression with the host. In the Abyss though, they would swarm around me, screeching incessantly until I fall on my knees, ears bleeding, mind fading, another black-out coming.

Another time, I found myself running in a foggy forest. I wouldn't know the reason for the running, only the fact that I just have to.

Fear had settled in me and I trip and fell and continued running, away from the sounds I hear from all around.

I ran my feet bloody, and I finished with zero energy.

But as I lay on the leafy ground, with my heart in my throat and my lungs being choked, the rustling sound grew louder and louder and I could feel my eyes getting larger and my mouth slowly open as I screamed a soundless scream.

That was the time I met the Raiopaans: rat-like beings with a skull for a head – and if you look into the spaces where their eyes should have been, you would be trapped in their never-ending Fear.

They are anxious creatures, with tall rabbit-like ears yet almost deaf. But they're not aware of that – which made them who they are: anxious and paranoid of everything and anything. In the real world, they can be seen sitting on someone's shoulder and whispering in the ears of the host; letting the Raiopaans feed on their anxiety and paranoia.

This time a hoard of them were feeding off of mine.

Its an infinite loop: over and over again. From Creature to Creature. Not remembering how it ended and how I managed to stay alive. Not remembering how I have come in contact with these creatures and know anything about them. Not remembering whether or not I have a reality to come back to.

I'd like to think that everything didn't end with me alone in the hands of the Creatures of The Abyss, I'd like to think that when I'm at my limit, the Splighte Faeries would save me – that Thyia would save me.

Sometimes, rather than the initial dark abyss, the nothingness around me would shimmer, the Book With The Two Ropes Attached hummed, and my heart swells.

The sky would be filled with millions of galaxies. I would reach up and touch one of them and they would shine brighter until they disperse as little faeries. My companions. My little bundles of hope.

Thyia, Goddess of the Splightes would look over me as I play with the faeries. She would gaze at us as we fly together. With tinkling giggles and laughter, the Splightes would surround me and I wouldn't feel scared. I was safe and sound.

Soaring past other galaxies, seeing flashes of happy memories. I would bathe in the warmness of those moments until they waved goodbye and fade away and I find myself in the Nothingness, the place where it all started.

Except this time, I would sense Thyia beside me. And I would smile.

Closing the book, I can feel happiness and contentment flowing in me – I thanked Thyia for that and I bid her farewell, which she answered with a smile of her own and lovingly pats my head.

The place where she touched is warm and I could feel it run down my body like tea from a soaked tea bag. I would feel her hands on my shoulder as she whispered; we'll meet again, so never lose Hope.

I would nod; leaving the book to grow slightly dusty (from Thyia's celestial dust), slightly wrinkly (from the Splightes playful hands); leaving the book that has no backbone, just two thin ropes that ties everything together in one messy bundle, alone in the Nothingness until my next encounter.

Leaving the book with the golden words that are etched on the graphite black cover:

"My Mind"

Labels: attempts in writing, fiction, introvert thoughts, writing

A Risky Getaway

Tuesday, October 8, 2013 | 1:41 PM | 0 flower(s)

very picture heavy

I was supposed to continue doing my Pure Maths AS an hour ago but I needed to cool my head off because it's so full of worries. While I was looking at my messy desktop I was reminded about the pictures I took two weeks ago - I haven't done a single thing to them. They were too many to upload on instagram for fear of spam so I decided to just blog about it.

(Yes, I am quite notified that by doing this I'm wasting more time to study - but hey, its a risky getaway. I couldn't continue studying - why force?)

28/09/2013 - aunt officially moving to belait

(here's a few pictures because the level of family photos is too damn high)

I just can't not add a picture of gramps and mum

As you probably have noticed from the picture above, the family did a karaoke. The girls (plus 2) and I did a getaway because it's just not our thang. (I'm so sorry for my parents and uncle because I know they can't stand it as well)

It's 9.30 pm, where in a ghost town can we go?

Fortunately, the Sultan's birthday celebration was still on going in Belait, and so we went to look around. I was pretty darn excited by this point because it has been more than 10 years since I last went to their celebration. Even as a child born in belait, I still find my former hometown to be very isolated and silent. Their celebrations proved it to us as well. Which I find very amusing.

girlies ft. bodyguards (cousin's boyfriend and his bro /I can't even count how many years has it been/)

yeap we pretty much went with our baju kurung plus me with my dslr taking pictures of everything and anything

do not be deceived by the amount of people here. The place is still so quiet for a celebration o_o

"Penjual nada mengarik arik, menutuk sotong pun nda kedengaran ani wah. Catu tah sunyinya perayaan ah."

Poor Mr. Dragon.

"The moon shines hauntingly bright in the midst of the clou-" just kidding. It's all about how you see it. 'Tis a light bulb.

The Phoenix is at your command. (to be very honest, I really find this picture so magical... like, the way the fire took shape in this picture really looks like some sort of fire deity.)

This was badly taken because I was in a rush. hahaha. I was a bit worried because their parents were right behind them. Its better to be safe than sorry.

Why did we took this? As a reminder. The kids reminded us so much of our childhood: 3 young daughters of similar age with their equally aged cousins and their family going to the celebration.

All in all, night spent with them was great as always.

30/09/2013 - miri

Yeah, who cares about chemistry test and my stats test on monday right? (fyi failed stats, miraculously achieved a b without doing anything for chemistry)

so yeah, as we were staying at a hotel in seria for the night, my family thought that we should go to miri while we're there because it's been awhile.

derpin' errday pt 1

coffee bean. coffee bean. coffee bean.

derpin' errday pt 2345 ft momsies

(candid shot - creepy minion smile made me laugh uneasily aha aha ah)

I look through my pictures and I wonder - is there a way to relive those fleeting moments? Is there a way to soar to escape from being tied down on reality?

Until we meet again.

Labels: attempts in writing, fail studying, favourite post, miri, pictures, travel, trip, writing

You never know regret until you experience it

Monday, August 26, 2013 | 12:09 AM | 0 flower(s)

I have done so many things I have regretted - only to find myself in the same predicament over and over again.

But not anymore. This might sound like an overly used statement in my case but I'm going to keep it this time.

I will not wait for time to do its bidding - I will not wait for fate to unwind itself.

I will make it happen. If I want it, I will do it. If I wish it I will make it.

I have to keep in mind that sometimes, the problem does not lie in me; does not lie in my intellectual capabilities - but (as cheesy as it sounds) the chemistry, the "connection", the "click" between myself and my teachers. They are, of course, not at fault, yet I must not push myself to the corner because I've got no one else to blame other than myself.

Because sometimes, there's just no one to blame. If there is, it will most probably doesn't matter.

I will strive my way to become a better student, with better student qualities to make up all my "missing pieces".

You do not know how grateful I am for my teachers. (Thank gosh Teacher's Day is coming soon) Seeing them see myself as a potential great student is just heart swelling. (Of course, I have only myself to blame to not be able to flourish and be better)

I just need to learn to make their vision come true. Qualifyings are just.... unspeakable. So even a day after it, I'm going to go full speed ahead with my A level revisions!

No more excuses.

Never again.

Labels: attempts in writing, education, motivation, prep talk, studies, writing

A Sea of "Just Me"s.

Monday, August 19, 2013 | 10:37 AM | 0 flower(s)

Qualifying exams starts tomorrow and saying that I'm nervous seems like a real understatement.

Raya isn't helping; like I predicted. It is quite hard when you grow up in a very family-oriented environment: you can't just say 'no' to your family. So off I go celebrating raya with them while my revision lay hidden somewhere under the mess of the table. I must be lying if I say I would prefer to study than to go with my family but the annoying, subtle "fear" and "anxiety" always knocks in my mind and I couldn't enjoy anything much.

Revision is not going so well. It scares me. I have been dealing with fearful thoughts and nightmares of failing; and each day, each minute that goes by without me absorbing as much information on organic chemistry or NMR spectroscopy as possible, I see it more clearer: the picture of me failing myself - failing my own dreams.

Self-motivation is too slippery. Too slick. Too soapy. At one point of your life, you could hold on to that soapy mess and you can use it to your advantage. Other times, its just you with the soap having a battle of hands and soapiness. You can't seem to grab that aspect of self-motivation.

That's what it is right now. This huge, bouldering mass of procrastination tipping the balance of the war and making me lose the battle miserably.

As much as I try to force myself to study, I just can't.
As much as I persuade myself to study, I just can't.
As much as I taunt myself, as this exam is very important for me to reach my dream, I just can't.

I can't do this alone. I need someone to help me - but whenever I whip around and see my surroundings, I just see myself in a see of nothingness. A sea of "just me"s.

Labels: attempts in writing, blog, busy busy busy, emotions, exams, fail studying, favourite post, life, writing

A Part of Who I Am

Monday, May 27, 2013 | 10:53 AM | 0 flower(s)

Regret is an awful being. He keeps plaguing me with his whining and sighing and relentlessly pulling me down. Relentlessly.

Regret took a hold of me and swallowed me whole.

Funny thing is, even after that, I kept putting things off again in what I call an attempt in "managing my time."

I feel so down at times that it had consumed me in its suffocating, pitch black tummy - leaving me just enough space for a foetal position. He grumbled and tumbled and laugh a bellow laugh. Making the walls tremble against my skin.

Suffocating. Icky. Sticky. A gooey feeling inside you.

A very, very, very bad feeling.

But I can't really help it now. It had become a part of me.

A Part of Who I Am.

Is it possible to really fear inferior as I feel right now? Will I really be able to make it?

Help me get these tentacles off me.

Labels: attempts in writing, deep, emotions, favourite post, introvert thoughts, writing