It has been a good solid few weeks now that I've categorized myself as an introvert - when all my 18 years of life, I have thought of the exact opposite.

"Happy-go-lucky, confident and loud." Those weren't exactly words you would coin to an introvert but here's the living proof. To be exact, these words said by friends alike were the ones that made me assumed that I was an extrovert. I knew what an extrovert meant and as I reflect myself, I have subconsciously accepted that term as a part of me.

I have done an introvert/extrovert test before (just for fun - usually as a form of procrastination), and more often than not, I would get either "balanced" or extroverts. Never introvert. Being seen as an introvert was more of an illogical sense to me. Even without the tests, I have, like I said, subconsciously accepted the fact that I was very much an extrovert till the end.

A few months ago, I had done a test (yet another method of procrastination from yours truly) that meant to guide me to my way of choosing a career. And that was the day I had to rethink about my "extroverted" status.

Mind you, even with the tests, I never really believed them. I don't like thinking that I am that gullible and can get upset from things said from the internet about myself. The extrovert thing, I had told myself, was just a mere coincidence to my answer.

Even this time, I still think that I'm not liking the idea of letting myself be taken over by the internet - but shamefully, I admit I did. The test result was mind-opening. All this time, I wasn't just an option of being either balanced or extroverted. I was a mix in the paint jar. A swirl of red and blue. Not purple. Not balanced. I was blue with a red tint.

I was an introvert with a extrovert façade. A lamb with a wolf's skin. Complete opposites inside out.

I find this as quite amusing at first. I took the results with an amused pace. Interested, but not too much.

But now the blue is taking over. I'm losing my red tint. I'm losing a part of myself.

And I don't want that. As complicated as I am... I don't want this part of me that I have just accepted as myself to go away.

Does anyone have a spray of red?

Labels: deep, emotions, favourite post, introvert thoughts, writing

Regret is an awful being. He keeps plaguing me with his whining and sighing and relentlessly pulling me down. Relentlessly.

Regret took a hold of me and swallowed me whole.

Funny thing is, even after that, I kept putting things off again in what I call an attempt in "managing my time."

I feel so down at times that it had consumed me in its suffocating, pitch black tummy - leaving me just enough space for a foetal position. He grumbled and tumbled and laugh a bellow laugh. Making the walls tremble against my skin.

Suffocating. Icky. Sticky. A gooey feeling inside you.

A very, very, very bad feeling.

But I can't really help it now. It had become a part of me.

A Part of Who I Am.

Is it possible to really fear inferior as I feel right now? Will I really be able to make it?

Help me get these tentacles off me.

Labels: attempts in writing, deep, emotions, favourite post, introvert thoughts, writing

OLD
© 2011-2014.