The Nothingness, Creatures of Abyss and The Book.
Thursday, October 10, 2013 | 9:27 PM | 0 flower(s)
Sometimes,
randomly during any time of the day, my mind goes blank and my
conscious fades.
I
would sense myself floating away from reality of algebraic numbers
and unrequited feelings and I would find in my hands, a slightly
dusty, slightly wrinkly book; with no backbone, just two thin ropes,
tying everything together in one messy bundle.
I
would run over the golden words that are etched on the graphite black
cover. A mixture of emotions all jumbled up into one heavy, heavy,
heart. By then, I would have already opened up a page.
x
Most
times, I hear the Thunder God grumbling in the distance while the
floor gave way and I fall.
Like
Alice going down the rabbit hole.
falling
down,
down,
down.
Except
Alice didn't know what was going to happen. I do. And it was enough
for Fear to grow in my heart.
x
It
was never the same thing: except for the Hands. Everywhere. Grabbing
my limbs, grabbing my hair, grabbing my Soul.
One
time it was at the Murky, Inky Lake. I was drowning while the water
clings on places the Hands haven't reached; seeping, like blood away
from a corpse.
The
Fear in me grew and it rose high in the dark sky, it's cloak flapping
in the harsh wind. It hovers over me in my helplessness. I would
struggle – but more of the Inky Water would cling their wet, sticky
goo on my skin.
In
the end I would surrender to them - heart, mind and soul - and I
would sink deeper into the abyss of the lake.
x
Sometimes
though, The Fear would stay out of sight (leaving its lingering
presence) - but The Monsters would come:
The
Raengs, an ogre, knowing that I can't fight back even if I could,
would beat me up - always leaving me conscious enough to feel the
pain. His face remains ugly, emotionless and cold, but sometimes, I
would look up from the bloody ground, feeling his salty, silent tears
rain down on my wounds – feeling the hiss of the contact between
water and flesh – while I cry with him until I fall to
unconsciousness.
Then
there are the Poinderess. Tiny creatures that floats within the
Abyss. I've seen them sometimes, in the real world. Its tail wrapping
tightly around one's heart. Sharing their depression with the host.
In the Abyss though, they would swarm around me, screeching incessantly until I fall on my knees, ears bleeding, mind fading,
another black-out coming.
Another
time, I found myself running in a foggy forest. I wouldn't know the
reason for the running, only the fact that I just have to.
Fear
had settled in me and I trip and fell and continued running, away
from the sounds I hear from all around.
I
ran my feet bloody, and I finished with zero energy.
But
as I lay on the leafy ground, with my heart in my throat and my lungs
being choked, the rustling sound grew louder and louder and I could
feel my eyes getting larger and my mouth slowly open as I screamed a
soundless scream.
That
was the time I met the Raiopaans: rat-like beings with a skull for a
head – and if you look into the spaces where their eyes should have
been, you would be trapped in their never-ending Fear.
They
are anxious creatures, with tall rabbit-like ears yet almost deaf.
But they're not aware of that – which made them who they are:
anxious and paranoid of everything and anything. In the real world,
they can be seen sitting on someone's shoulder and whispering in the
ears of the host; letting the Raiopaans feed on their anxiety and
paranoia.
This
time a hoard of them were feeding off of mine.
x
Its
an infinite loop: over and over again. From Creature to Creature. Not
remembering how it ended and how I managed to stay alive. Not
remembering how I have come in contact with these creatures and know
anything about them. Not remembering whether or not I have a reality
to come back to.
I'd
like to think that everything didn't end with me alone in the hands
of the Creatures of The Abyss, I'd like to think that when I'm at my
limit, the Splighte Faeries would save me – that Thyia would save me.
x
Sometimes,
rather than the initial dark abyss, the nothingness around me would
shimmer, the Book With The Two Ropes Attached hummed, and my heart
swells.
The
sky would be filled with millions of galaxies. I would reach up and
touch one of them and they would shine brighter until they disperse
as little faeries. My companions. My little bundles of hope.
Thyia,
Goddess of the Splightes would look over me as I play with the
faeries. She would gaze at us as we fly together. With tinkling
giggles and laughter, the Splightes would surround me and I wouldn't
feel scared. I was safe and sound.
Soaring
past other galaxies, seeing flashes of happy memories. I would bathe
in the warmness of those moments until they waved goodbye and fade
away and I find myself in the Nothingness, the place where it all
started.
Except
this time, I would sense Thyia beside me. And I would smile.
Closing
the book, I can feel happiness and contentment flowing in me – I
thanked Thyia for that and I bid her farewell, which she answered
with a smile of her own and lovingly pats my head.
The
place where she touched is warm and I could feel it run down my body
like tea from a soaked tea bag. I would feel her hands on my shoulder
as she whispered; we'll meet again, so never lose Hope.
I
would nod; leaving the book to grow slightly dusty (from Thyia's
celestial dust), slightly wrinkly (from the Splightes playful hands);
leaving the book that has no backbone, just two thin ropes that ties
everything together in one messy bundle, alone in the Nothingness
until my next encounter.
Leaving
the book with the golden words that are etched on the graphite black
cover:
"My Mind"
Labels: attempts in writing, fiction, introvert thoughts, writing
Red paint anyone?
Monday, June 3, 2013 | 1:57 PM | 0 flower(s)
It has been a good solid few weeks now that I've categorized myself as an introvert - when all my 18 years of life, I have thought of the exact opposite.
"Happy-go-lucky, confident and loud." Those weren't exactly words you would coin to an introvert but here's the living proof. To be exact, these words said by friends alike were the ones that made me assumed that I was an extrovert. I knew what an extrovert meant and as I reflect myself, I have subconsciously accepted that term as a part of me.
I have done an introvert/extrovert test before (just for fun - usually as a form of procrastination), and more often than not, I would get either "balanced" or extroverts. Never introvert. Being seen as an introvert was more of an illogical sense to me. Even without the tests, I have, like I said, subconsciously accepted the fact that I was very much an extrovert till the end.
A few months ago, I had done a test (yet another method of procrastination from yours truly) that meant to guide me to my way of choosing a career. And that was the day I had to rethink about my "extroverted" status.
Mind you, even with the tests, I never really believed them. I don't like thinking that I am that gullible and can get upset from things said from the internet about myself. The extrovert thing, I had told myself, was just a mere coincidence to my answer.
Even this time, I still think that I'm not liking the idea of letting myself be taken over by the internet - but shamefully, I admit I did. The test result was mind-opening. All this time, I wasn't just an option of being either balanced or extroverted. I was a mix in the paint jar. A swirl of red and blue. Not purple. Not balanced. I was blue with a red tint.
I was an introvert with a extrovert façade. A lamb with a wolf's skin. Complete opposites inside out.
I find this as quite amusing at first. I took the results with an amused pace. Interested, but not too much.
But now the blue is taking over. I'm losing my red tint. I'm losing a part of myself.
And I don't want that. As complicated as I am... I don't want this part of me that I have just accepted as myself to go away.
Does anyone have a spray of red?
Labels: deep, emotions, favourite post, introvert thoughts, writing
A Part of Who I Am
Monday, May 27, 2013 | 10:53 AM | 0 flower(s)
Regret is an awful being. He keeps plaguing me with his whining and sighing and relentlessly pulling me down. Relentlessly.Regret took a hold of me and swallowed me whole.
Funny thing is, even after that, I kept putting things off again in what I call an attempt in "managing my time."
I feel so down at times that it had consumed me in its suffocating, pitch black tummy - leaving me just enough space for a foetal position. He grumbled and tumbled and laugh a bellow laugh. Making the walls tremble against my skin.
Suffocating. Icky. Sticky. A gooey feeling inside you.
A very, very, very bad feeling.
But I can't really help it now. It had become a part of me.
A Part of Who I Am.
Is it possible to really fear inferior as I feel right now? Will I really be able to make it?
Help me get these tentacles off me.
Labels: attempts in writing, deep, emotions, favourite post, introvert thoughts, writing
The times
Monday, May 13, 2013 | 10:56 AM | 0 flower(s)
It made me feel quite conflicted inside, really.
I see Changes,
I see the Innocence,
the Naivety,
the Gullibleness in me.
Fake Hope,
Disappointed Reality,
mistakes did and done
- they all came to me,
came out pouring like hot lava from a crack on earth;
from a crack in my mind.
The time I thought I was fine.
The time I thought "thank goodness it wasn't cancer!"
When we all know what happens next.
The time I made all those mistakes due to myself being opinionated.
The time I thought I gained and lost friends.
Even though they were mistakes, I still felt as if I don't regret it. I'm not so sure.
The time I read books, watch movies, like I have all the time in the world, reviewing the good and bad things.
Not thinking too much about the reality unfolding around me.
The time I was in wonderland.
The times I went out for my dreams
The times I became what was always inside me
- the time I was just another travelling figure in a sea of strangers.
Not quite alone in the unknown... but still alone.
Everything.
Everything.
Everything came down like a summer rain.
Drenched and conflicted.
Feelings you can't decide whether they are good or bad.
Everything came down like tears on a face.
Slow and steady.
Down.
Down.
Down.
Down to the bottomless pit of my stomach.
Just words and feelings.
Just words and feelings.
Labels: emotions, introvert thoughts, writing, writing in a spell