I have always blamed my situation on myself.
"I was too depressed to study."
"I was too weak to be self-motivated and self-disciplined." It has always been my fault.

Little that I know, no matter how hard I work I will still end up fruitless because my parents never wanted my dream to come true. It was never a matter of permission - because as long as they feel that way, Allah will never let me even taste the chance of getting a scholarship - like what had happened in the last half a year.

If they have already stated clearly to me that they do not want me to get a scholarship, I might be able to change their minds and thus change the fate.
But after all those "You should have done better. You should have studied more. Aren't you jealous of all your friends?" who would expect that behind all that you were very relieved that my results were mediocre?
"Thank goodness she wouldn't get the grade"?
What kind of person wouldn't be mad that you were grumbling that "She still wants to go to UK, accept the fact that you couldn't get it please!" behind my back? Of course I would still long for UK, it was my dream! Will you never rest until I am crushed completely? I have suffered for almost a year, and I was hiding it. And you go about mocking my depression by saying that I should move on and GIVE UP THIS DREAM?

Screw you! There's no use of your bipolar selfishness in my life.

But what do I do now? The fleeting positivity that I was desperate to hold on was on the fact that I might get a second chance in the following years.

But does that even matter now? No matter what I do it would be useless because He will listen to them and He will grant THEIR wishes. He hears them because he never really listens to me, does He?

I am not destined to be happy, aren't I?

Labels: writing in a spell

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