This may as well be the hardest thing I have ever done. I decided to stay in Brunei months ago, when I saw that even the slimmest chance of going abroad would mean spending my parents' money in more ways than one, and because of that I had to let the chance go. Even if it means breaking my insides apart as my dream grew further and further out of reach.

But while I was convincing myself that it's too late and I can't do anything about it, the heavy feeling of reality was only just a scratch on the surface - until now. Endless days of saying to myself that I still have time to decline my offers, when it doesn't really matter if I declined it now or later. I was just in denial of the whole situation. Maybe everything is just a dream. A really, really bad dream. Maybe I'll wake up from this nightmare and find myself still in the middle of O level Biology.

I guess it hurts more because every university I applied to offered me places. Its like looking at the most delicious food in the world, and you already had a taste - its right in front of you but you are not allowed to eat it.

And this single click of the button means that there is no turning back; I am pushing away this dish and I can never have any chance of eating nor sniff or taste it; I am accepting that I was never in a bad dream, only horrible reality. It is the scariest thing in my whole life. I want to run away but I can't, I just can't. I have passed up every chance I've stumbled upon and this is the only thing left.

Labels: education, life, writing, writing in a spell

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