I think being an unemployed 18 year old who have just recently graduated have altered my sense of duration and time. It reminds me how the Greek Gods and all the immortals were explained to have "treated the passing of Time as if a million years were just mere hours." But of course, in my case it's a more subtle concept of idea: I had almost started the post with "I missed three days worth of posts.." when in actuality I have flurried by about five days. I am not sure that this is relevant to anything that's going to be in this post, not to mention if this is also a good idea to START a post - but I go by The Power of The Fingers so I shall trust Them and just go with the flow. (aka this is probably not a very good nor particularly interesting approach to write something.)

So first thing first - I could never have imagined being bombarded with so many things in so little time like what I am experiencing right now - and I can tell you that I have experienced so many hiccups and sneezes in my life: travelling, battling cancer, battling depression (still working on that), school activities - I don't think I have been through my life as much as what I have gone through the past few days. But maybe I'm exaggerating.

I never planned to talk about intricate details of how my days goes by even if the DailyBlogProject seems to indicate that I should do something like that - but for the sake of explaining the previous paragraph, I shall try and challenge myself to do it - not just for this reason but for the purpose of explaining to my future self about what had happened and how I could probably learn from it (or maybe not).

So as the third post of the dailyblogproject, I shall take the time to congratulate not only to myself (because whew - managed to tick that tiny box beside "graduate college" in my to-do list) but to everyone else that has spent 6/7 years in the hellhole Maktab Sains. I would love to explain more about how bittersweet everything was and how it was so totally hard to force out tears while almost everybody else were crying their hearts out but that would need me to be really emotional - which I realized I'm not really good at nowadays. Dude, guys sobbed and hugged while I'm just there with a camera in my hand being everyone else's -  I mean a particular person's photographer. If that wasn't awkward and lonely I don't even know what is.

Before I end this part of the post (I may make a post specially for graduation but we'll see how The Power of The Fingers thinks) I want to extend my gratitude to everyone who have helped and supported me, who have welcomed me as their friend, as their student, as their company in this school. I have made uncountable good and bad memories and I love and cherish (also cringed at some) them in equal measures.

Through thick and thin,
through dark and light,
you have been the biggest part of my life.

I have spent more days than I could have liked under your surveillance, under your wing - and I know it is just a part of my journey, a part of of your plan to let me go and become my own dove.

Thank you for the friends,
thank you for the teachers,
thank you for the memories
and thank you for the love you have provided.
I would surely miss you and I would surely miss our time together.

Thank you, Maktab Sains. Thank you.




For you gossipers out there though, here's just a little something something that might be more of your taste: I have finally, finally, finally, expressed my feelings towards someone I have known for quite a while. I may never had thought about you for every single day through out those years, but then I was in denial. I still have no name for this feeling however, but will we ever find out, I wonder? Hopefully we could let tomorrow reveal what murky and foggy future we can have - or can not have. Again, as what I have prepared before this "Mission", I will not be expecting anything at all - in actual fact, I would be expecting the same thing I have felt after I have told you everything at 3.30AM at one of our country's finest luxury hotel: absolute nothingness.

It was the first time in my 18 years of living, to experience that sort of feeling - it is even more indescribable than how I felt for you - which could be the most indescribable thing in this planet (oh, but seriously.) Like I have once said, after relentless attacks of "what happened and are you okays", I have felt nothing - neither happiness nor sadness; I am not sad (because I have finally told you what I have been dying to tell you for years) yet I am not happy (possibly because of your reaction - which though I almost already expected) I am fully and thoroughly confused.

In a way, even though there's a glint of hope that you would actually reciprocate this Indescribable Feeling, I have already in hindsight - like the leaky faucets in unused sinks of a mansion - expected that there Is Probably No Future. Knowing you and knowing me, this would be one of a heck of a Something. The question forever remains: What will become of us?

On a lighter, yet still saucy note - have I ever mentioned that I listen to a podcast called Welcome To NightVale? (Don't worry, the good stuff will come in a bit.) In the podcast, the DJ met someone called Carlos whom he claimed had the most gorgeous hair of all time - and he is since then dubbed as Carlos With The Gorgeous Hair.

I, have found myself a Carlos With The Gorgeous Hair on the first day of rehearsals. Though, I have to stick with calling him Carl With The Flawless Hair (twitter hashtag would be #cwtfh just because) as to avoid copyright infringements. It was also my mission to tell him how I feel about his existence in my books and this didn't take as long as I thought. It's nothing more than a few sugar and adrenaline that helped me said what I have longed (i.e few weeks) to say:  I really, really, really, like your new hair cut.

I found out that watching the sunrise together wasn't a really unique idea considering a good amount of MS people in their varsity jackets and jammies were out and about at the beach waiting for Mr. Taiyou-san (such puns much funny) Sucks for everyone though because it rained. But at the very least we got ourselves some fresh air.

The next day though, (or should I say a few hours after that?) I spent it yet again with the 5Es and also with them fambam while we have this bbq thing going on. Did I mention a Running Man marathon? Watching the elders and parents enjoying the show was almost endearing. They were reruns though, as it was an unanimous opinion that the past episodes were more enjoyable. So I slept through some parts because I have watched them already - and also I needed to catch a few ZZZs to make up for the lost of them during the Empire Stay.

Unfortunately, I have gotten sick for two days yesterday, obviously from either the rain or the lack of sleep but I would like to think of it as a tool for Fate to knot itself together with others. If it wasn't for my sickness, my mother wouldn't have managed to bait my also sick cousin to go to the nearby clinic and find out that he has the possibility of having acute ischemia.
Those were bad times, and it wasn't helping me get better in my situation. But I'm fine now and he is too - though I'm still a bit weary about everything. At this point, experiencing everything in the span of two days, it was almost too much to bear.

Could you imagine? I haven't even told you guys everything that has happened, and it has already taken me this long of a post. I hope the wall of text were more gentle to your eyes than to mine.

Lastly, I have just received a call from my aunt saying that she wants me to talk to their neighbor who recently got diagnosed with cancer. I am still in shock by her favor that I can only remember some words:  "strong" "depressed" "help" "get through".

Imagine a person like me trying to help someone of similar situation. Which reminds me of something I have read during one of my lowest moments:

You don't get it. It's harder than just talking about it. Everything is harder with the demons.

But the thing is everyone doesn't know that. All they see is a "strong" girl who have survived cancer. Believe me I didn't do much during the battle except cry at my fate. So I doubt that I'm worthy of any title other than pathetic and worthless.

I'm not going to even go there right now, but I'm still tagging this with "writing in a spell" because I'm feeling it right now.

Welp, sorry for how this ended guys.

Labels: cwtfh, dailyblogproject, mission, writing in a spell

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