This may as well be the hardest thing I have ever done. I decided to stay in Brunei months ago, when I saw that even the slimmest chance of going abroad would mean spending my parents' money in more ways than one, and because of that I had to let the chance go. Even if it means breaking my insides apart as my dream grew further and further out of reach.

But while I was convincing myself that it's too late and I can't do anything about it, the heavy feeling of reality was only just a scratch on the surface - until now. Endless days of saying to myself that I still have time to decline my offers, when it doesn't really matter if I declined it now or later. I was just in denial of the whole situation. Maybe everything is just a dream. A really, really bad dream. Maybe I'll wake up from this nightmare and find myself still in the middle of O level Biology.

I guess it hurts more because every university I applied to offered me places. Its like looking at the most delicious food in the world, and you already had a taste - its right in front of you but you are not allowed to eat it.

And this single click of the button means that there is no turning back; I am pushing away this dish and I can never have any chance of eating nor sniff or taste it; I am accepting that I was never in a bad dream, only horrible reality. It is the scariest thing in my whole life. I want to run away but I can't, I just can't. I have passed up every chance I've stumbled upon and this is the only thing left.

Labels: education, life, writing, writing in a spell

It's 12:09am and I'm shivering. Dinah and Jia Yi are still busy preparing their presentations at the lobby. Ms. Hayatul texted half an hour ago hoping that we were still sleeping.

Guiltily ignores it because I can't exactly go out and find my new roommates... or do I?

I came in late for the registration - well okay I didn't even come during the registration because I was well 150km away from everyone else.

Which reminds me that I need to upload pictures from the Miri trip with fambamz.

Ms. Hayatul mentioned that we should start writing for our reports - I did but as I haven't even formally start anything, I decided to just made a draft and write this post instead, as a more personal, diary-like report that I can refer when I really start writing the report.

I came at around 10pm - I met Dinah before she goes out for her meeting with Malik - while Jia Yi was showering. Jia Yi seems really nice, we talked and I'm glad she find me nice as well. I can understand how hard it is to live with strangers, not to mention foreigners. I'm relieved that I get to room with Dinah - at least we knew each other.

I unpacked a bit of my stuff (not all just in case they need tho unpack as well) and I noticed how, all these time travelling, I've never unpacked at a hotel. Which I guess is probably because the stay at that hotel is too brief and it's just annoying to do it. So while I was watching VIXX's MTV Diary and eating cup noodles, I randomly just stood up and think that I should unpack since I'm going to stay for 5 days.

Not sure If I'd upload pictures because it seems like a pain but we'll see haha.

I'm sleepy and it's 12.30

I should sleep.

They're still not here.

MTV DIARY.

hyde is playing.

I should stop.

Proper report ish post tomorrow, hopefully.

Labels: ayef, blog, life, miri, writing

Labels: exams, life, travel, trip, vacation, writing

Qualifying exams starts tomorrow and saying that I'm nervous seems like a real understatement.

Raya isn't helping; like I predicted. It is quite hard when you grow up in a very family-oriented environment: you can't just say 'no' to your family. So off I go celebrating raya with them while my revision lay hidden somewhere under the mess of the table. I must be lying if I say I would prefer to study than to go with my family but the annoying, subtle "fear"  and "anxiety" always knocks in my mind and I couldn't enjoy anything much.

Revision is not going so well. It scares me. I have been dealing with fearful thoughts and nightmares of failing; and each day, each minute that goes by without me absorbing as much information on organic chemistry or NMR spectroscopy as possible, I see it more clearer: the picture of me failing myself - failing my own dreams.

Self-motivation is too slippery. Too slick. Too soapy. At one point of your life, you could hold on to that soapy mess and you can use it to your advantage. Other times, its just you with the soap having a battle of hands and soapiness. You can't seem to grab that aspect of self-motivation.

That's what it is right now. This huge, bouldering mass of procrastination tipping the balance of the war and making me lose the battle miserably.

As much as I try to force myself to study, I just can't.
As much as I persuade myself to study, I just can't.
As much as I taunt myself, as this exam is very important for me to reach my dream, I just can't.

I can't do this alone. I need someone to help me - but whenever I whip around and see my surroundings, I just see myself in a see of nothingness. A sea of "just me"s.

Labels: attempts in writing, blog, busy busy busy, emotions, exams, fail studying, favourite post, life, writing

I was always the first to come. Always with the occasional blue moons. Before recently, I'd let out a huge cry due to the chill of the airconditioner and tug my jacket closer to me; smiling a bit at how the chill reminds me that I'd better get used to it if I was to study abroad in the future.

It was always that red table with the equally red chairs attached to it. It was a good place, I dare say, if one is to ignore how chilly one could get sitting at that spot for too long. You could observe everyone in the hub yet stay hidden for possible trouble because of the stairs that blocked our spot if you were to look out from the outside.

I remember how thick and new the red paint looked like as it gleamed under the light that shone through the walls of glass. Now it had acquired a weathered look from having bits of paints sticking to our belongings - as if its a way of marking us as theirs. In a sense, maybe it had because now we stayed at that spot.

A loud yawn, an untroubled sigh. I had the freedom to do anything inside that windowed room before someone else enters. No control in voices, no control in movement. Basically no judgement. Of course everything is limited because I'm alone, not to mentioned half-asleep, so I'd browsed through the net while secretly cursing at how slow the internet is taking, even though I'd guessed that maybe its because the staffroom that I used the net from is still silent and void of teachers.

I stared ahead the room. The multicoloured tables lay quietly while waiting for their ritual-based owners. The room felt distanced and sleepy, mirroring what I felt at that time. Yet even with the lingering emptiness, there is always that relaxing and melancholic feel like taking a deep breath outside at 6.30 am in the morning.

I'd listen to the songs and sing along until finally a looming figure from the outside silenced me and now truly prepare myself for the day ahead.

The swing of hard, transparent doors. The clickity clack of the girls' "breaking-laws" high heel-ed shoes. I'm immersing myself to become my public self. People say that the person that you act when you're alone is the real you, however, even though I act differently when I'm with my friends, I still regard that 'public me' as me. Yes, I'm acknowledging to personas as myself. They are both of my true self.

More people enters. I felt a figure slumped a bag beside me and sits across it. A happy morning greeting. I arranged my lips to a smile. I replied the greeting with the same attitude. Hi. How did your revision go? A daily routine. I indulged myself more into my public persona, a bellowing laugh, an overly used grin. Most people would say I lost myself into that facade, but how do you lost into something that is already you?

I stared ahead the room. The multicoloured tables barely had enough room for the piles of textbooks and bulky schoolbags. The room buzzed with a morning excitement; much like that warmth that grew in my tummy when my friend laughed at my joke. Every table were taken up by students cramming last minute information before their exams that starts in another 20 minutes.

Last minute exchange of facts, a wish of good luck. My eyes searched over a sea of heads until I see a familiar figure. A smile and another wish of good luck. Would he know that his wish never failed in making my insides change colour to a shade brighter? Even with the countless of luck wished by equally numbered friends, you know there's always a few student's wishes that meant more to you than any other.

a/n: not really used to uaing a first person's perspective. Not planned so its more of a rant with a messy structure and theme. Nevertheless i kind of enjoyed reliving those feelings and such. I'll try my best to keep a better prepared piece of work that is still about the everyday things in my life and written in a fiction style. I wish I'd have a dslr. I rarely take picrures anymore so my inspiration has been running low.

Labels: emotions, everyday stuff with a twist, life

This is just something to remind me and get them out of my mind for me to organise. It's a bit of a clutter *knocks head* here now that the exams are nearing to an end.

Saa... Let's get it over with?

So on Thursday, tomorrow, there's the preperation for my cousin's wedding.
My sister and other cousins will be staying there while I have to go home because I'm having Amaths the next day.

On Friday, Amaths exam. D: I hope I'll do really better than the paper 1.
Pick up Brandon's pendrive containing the GameBoy Advance Emulator (thingy). 8D
Will not be able to play soon though. D8
After the exam ends (at 11) I'll be rushing to my cousin's for her wedding day.
I'll be staying at her place with the other families for days until Sunday. The function will end late night on Sunday. Urgh. I see hard labour coming.

And then I have a day free before the Chemistry MCQ exam (Give back pendrive!), a day before Physics with Biology running next and then I'll be a free girl at last! 8D <3

I'll also be getting my hands on the Pokemon Indigo League series from Brandon during any time that week. <3 Can't wait to watch them! Thank you so much, Bran.

The next day after Bio, the girls and I, Vivien, Zahrah, Zwani are planning to go out to spend Vivien's Face/Body Shop coupons, catch a movie and sing our heart out. <3 can't wait. I need to arrange another with Shafiqah. (Have to buy a present for her on the day we go out!)
I miss them dearly.

Then I'll have 2 days to go in a frenzy to find lost books and stuff so I can give them back on the 22nd. Don't forget Daughtry's new album on the 21st! x
Also, I've got only a few days to pack for my 6 days (honeymoon. :p) trip with Iffah Majidah's family at Singapore, KL, Melaka.
I promise I'll upload pictures and posts about the trip if I can find the time. :D
This is going to be the second trip (via plane) I'll be having outside Brunei that is not KK, Miri nor Limbang. I hope I won't be uncomfortable again like I was the first time during March last year. :s


And then I'll be flying home on the 28th! 8D

I'll have a few days to relax and rest before my dental appointment on the 30th and my Thyroid on the 3/12 (coughcough)
Speaking of Thyroids! I think I got a mild infection of it again to another side of my neck. It's okay now I think... But I'm still hoping that I'll be okay during the trip.


And then early/middle December I'll be having another trip to KK (via land like usual) with my family (family of 5) and the other usual crowd (family of 12+2)... I'm betting they're adding the other 2 families too. Such a crowd right? XD That's why don't be surprised if you see me alone. That's what I usually felt when I'm with them. Because they're so many of us; I sinked.
Okay, enough of that, I'll talk about it next time. Maybe.

And so. Tell me.

WHEN WILL I BE ABLE TO PLAY AND WATCH POKEMON INDIGO LEAGUE/ADVANCE ;A;
And also update my fics?!?!
I promised them I'll update regularly after my trip with Iffah...............
Adajskskfkakkfks stupid me with my promises.

Argh. Okay. I'll just try my best.
I've calculated and roughly draft my chapters and I'm seeing 42+_ more chapters. We're saying a 58 chaptered fic here. Who would want to read that? T^T
Hmmmmmmmm... Maybe I should make each chapters eeeeeextra long? /shotforcheating
Hahahhahahahha! Oh whatever. I really want to end Changes soon.
And damn, there's so many others I've been meaning to type out and post. >_<
Urgh.

When will I be able to even BREATHE?

Labels: busy busy busy, clutter, exams, fanfictions, kota kinabalu, kuala lumpur, life, limbang, malacca, miri, o level, pokemon advance, pokemon indigo league, rants, singapore, trip, vacation, wedding day

I'm getting more obsessed with crime shows and fanfictions. .____.

At first I just read them.

And then I started cracking them.

I'm currently on my second case: A Jack the Ripper-esque case in Japan.

I've solved a locked-room murder case as my first one.

I've got the clues and infos in my notes.
So now I'm currently waiting for an update so I can get my hands on new clues for my Jack the Ripper case. \m/

Sigh.

Someone.

Please convince me to stop.
MY STUDIES. I'M IGNORING THEM.

PLEASE. STOP. ME.

p/s: if I couldn't make it as a forensic scientist or even a special agent, I'm fine with being a cop. <3 JUST GIMME A GUN.

Labels: cases, crime fanfictions, crime shows, fail studying, Jack the Ripper, life, locked-room murder, rants

Opinions; they may not hold the truth for every eye, but they do in mine. But is that the real truth?

I don't know.

A picture helds a million words.

But the camera doesn't lie.

Is that really true?

Well at some point it may be.

But let's think of it this way.

Even though the picture held a million or even gazillions of words, we don't know if they are all true. For pete's sake, maybe half of them are just lies, played by our minds.

Let me get that one straight.

We could see something from different angles.

And from any specific angle, sparks a story or two. Maybe it's true or maybe it's not. Depends on one opinion.

Now. Opinions. See, like I've mentioned, opinions don't always held the truth. Sometimes they are just what the mind think it's true. Sometimes they are just small theories made up to make something logic.

Or maybe not.

From an angle to another angle.

We see different opinions.
We see different stories.
A person may see this.
A person may see that.
A person may interpret the picture this way.
A person may interpret the picture that way.

We may never know any real truth in anything.

Well that's just what I think.

And that's another opinion.

Opinions, opinions.

That's what makes each of us special.

Sure, we may have the same opinions, but as a whole, do we?

I don't know.

At the end of the day, this post is just something that completely wastes time.

Don't you think?

I don't know, do you?

But then again, be aware.

This will definately creeps back in your mind.

Haunting you in your dream.

'Is it true? What she just said?'

Well then, you have to read this again.

Because the answer is there. I think. Do I really, though?

I bid thee farewell, with a bowl of food for thought. Or maybe a bunch of meaningless crap that keeps on replaying.

One can take it either.

Labels: life, opinions, questions, rants

Have you ever experience a moment when you feel like you wanted to blog something but don't know what to blog about? No? Fine.

Because that's what I'm feeling right now.

I'm on my last Bio alt. PYP. It's 3pm. I only printed 4 papers. Haven't even started maths D.

I am officially doomed.

I think I should go.

3 weeks and 3 more days till all of this ends. 8 more papers. Yosha! Gambarimasu!

Labels: life, random, rants

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