I was supposed to continue doing my Pure Maths AS an hour ago but I needed to cool my head off because it's so full of worries. While I was looking at my messy desktop I was reminded about the pictures I took two weeks ago - I haven't done a single thing to them. They were too many to upload on instagram for fear of spam so I decided to just blog about it.

(Yes, I am quite notified that by doing this I'm wasting more time to study - but hey, its a risky getaway. I couldn't continue studying - why force?)

28/09/2013 - aunt officially moving to belait

(here's a few pictures because the level of family photos is too damn high)

Labels: attempts in writing, fail studying, favourite post, miri, pictures, travel, trip, writing

Qualifying exams starts tomorrow and saying that I'm nervous seems like a real understatement.

Raya isn't helping; like I predicted. It is quite hard when you grow up in a very family-oriented environment: you can't just say 'no' to your family. So off I go celebrating raya with them while my revision lay hidden somewhere under the mess of the table. I must be lying if I say I would prefer to study than to go with my family but the annoying, subtle "fear"  and "anxiety" always knocks in my mind and I couldn't enjoy anything much.

Revision is not going so well. It scares me. I have been dealing with fearful thoughts and nightmares of failing; and each day, each minute that goes by without me absorbing as much information on organic chemistry or NMR spectroscopy as possible, I see it more clearer: the picture of me failing myself - failing my own dreams.

Self-motivation is too slippery. Too slick. Too soapy. At one point of your life, you could hold on to that soapy mess and you can use it to your advantage. Other times, its just you with the soap having a battle of hands and soapiness. You can't seem to grab that aspect of self-motivation.

That's what it is right now. This huge, bouldering mass of procrastination tipping the balance of the war and making me lose the battle miserably.

As much as I try to force myself to study, I just can't.
As much as I persuade myself to study, I just can't.
As much as I taunt myself, as this exam is very important for me to reach my dream, I just can't.

I can't do this alone. I need someone to help me - but whenever I whip around and see my surroundings, I just see myself in a see of nothingness. A sea of "just me"s.

Labels: attempts in writing, blog, busy busy busy, emotions, exams, fail studying, favourite post, life, writing

It has been a good solid few weeks now that I've categorized myself as an introvert - when all my 18 years of life, I have thought of the exact opposite.

"Happy-go-lucky, confident and loud." Those weren't exactly words you would coin to an introvert but here's the living proof. To be exact, these words said by friends alike were the ones that made me assumed that I was an extrovert. I knew what an extrovert meant and as I reflect myself, I have subconsciously accepted that term as a part of me.

I have done an introvert/extrovert test before (just for fun - usually as a form of procrastination), and more often than not, I would get either "balanced" or extroverts. Never introvert. Being seen as an introvert was more of an illogical sense to me. Even without the tests, I have, like I said, subconsciously accepted the fact that I was very much an extrovert till the end.

A few months ago, I had done a test (yet another method of procrastination from yours truly) that meant to guide me to my way of choosing a career. And that was the day I had to rethink about my "extroverted" status.

Mind you, even with the tests, I never really believed them. I don't like thinking that I am that gullible and can get upset from things said from the internet about myself. The extrovert thing, I had told myself, was just a mere coincidence to my answer.

Even this time, I still think that I'm not liking the idea of letting myself be taken over by the internet - but shamefully, I admit I did. The test result was mind-opening. All this time, I wasn't just an option of being either balanced or extroverted. I was a mix in the paint jar. A swirl of red and blue. Not purple. Not balanced. I was blue with a red tint.

I was an introvert with a extrovert façade. A lamb with a wolf's skin. Complete opposites inside out.

I find this as quite amusing at first. I took the results with an amused pace. Interested, but not too much.

But now the blue is taking over. I'm losing my red tint. I'm losing a part of myself.

And I don't want that. As complicated as I am... I don't want this part of me that I have just accepted as myself to go away.

Does anyone have a spray of red?

Labels: deep, emotions, favourite post, introvert thoughts, writing

Regret is an awful being. He keeps plaguing me with his whining and sighing and relentlessly pulling me down. Relentlessly.

Regret took a hold of me and swallowed me whole.

Funny thing is, even after that, I kept putting things off again in what I call an attempt in "managing my time."

I feel so down at times that it had consumed me in its suffocating, pitch black tummy - leaving me just enough space for a foetal position. He grumbled and tumbled and laugh a bellow laugh. Making the walls tremble against my skin.

Suffocating. Icky. Sticky. A gooey feeling inside you.

A very, very, very bad feeling.

But I can't really help it now. It had become a part of me.

A Part of Who I Am.

Is it possible to really fear inferior as I feel right now? Will I really be able to make it?

Help me get these tentacles off me.

Labels: attempts in writing, deep, emotions, favourite post, introvert thoughts, writing

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