Qualifying exams starts tomorrow and saying that I'm nervous seems like a real understatement.

Raya isn't helping; like I predicted. It is quite hard when you grow up in a very family-oriented environment: you can't just say 'no' to your family. So off I go celebrating raya with them while my revision lay hidden somewhere under the mess of the table. I must be lying if I say I would prefer to study than to go with my family but the annoying, subtle "fear"  and "anxiety" always knocks in my mind and I couldn't enjoy anything much.

Revision is not going so well. It scares me. I have been dealing with fearful thoughts and nightmares of failing; and each day, each minute that goes by without me absorbing as much information on organic chemistry or NMR spectroscopy as possible, I see it more clearer: the picture of me failing myself - failing my own dreams.

Self-motivation is too slippery. Too slick. Too soapy. At one point of your life, you could hold on to that soapy mess and you can use it to your advantage. Other times, its just you with the soap having a battle of hands and soapiness. You can't seem to grab that aspect of self-motivation.

That's what it is right now. This huge, bouldering mass of procrastination tipping the balance of the war and making me lose the battle miserably.

As much as I try to force myself to study, I just can't.
As much as I persuade myself to study, I just can't.
As much as I taunt myself, as this exam is very important for me to reach my dream, I just can't.

I can't do this alone. I need someone to help me - but whenever I whip around and see my surroundings, I just see myself in a see of nothingness. A sea of "just me"s.

Labels: attempts in writing, blog, busy busy busy, emotions, exams, fail studying, favourite post, life, writing

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