Qualifying exams starts tomorrow and saying that I'm nervous seems like a real understatement.

Raya isn't helping; like I predicted. It is quite hard when you grow up in a very family-oriented environment: you can't just say 'no' to your family. So off I go celebrating raya with them while my revision lay hidden somewhere under the mess of the table. I must be lying if I say I would prefer to study than to go with my family but the annoying, subtle "fear"  and "anxiety" always knocks in my mind and I couldn't enjoy anything much.

Revision is not going so well. It scares me. I have been dealing with fearful thoughts and nightmares of failing; and each day, each minute that goes by without me absorbing as much information on organic chemistry or NMR spectroscopy as possible, I see it more clearer: the picture of me failing myself - failing my own dreams.

Self-motivation is too slippery. Too slick. Too soapy. At one point of your life, you could hold on to that soapy mess and you can use it to your advantage. Other times, its just you with the soap having a battle of hands and soapiness. You can't seem to grab that aspect of self-motivation.

That's what it is right now. This huge, bouldering mass of procrastination tipping the balance of the war and making me lose the battle miserably.

As much as I try to force myself to study, I just can't.
As much as I persuade myself to study, I just can't.
As much as I taunt myself, as this exam is very important for me to reach my dream, I just can't.

I can't do this alone. I need someone to help me - but whenever I whip around and see my surroundings, I just see myself in a see of nothingness. A sea of "just me"s.

Labels: attempts in writing, blog, busy busy busy, emotions, exams, fail studying, favourite post, life, writing

This is just something to remind me and get them out of my mind for me to organise. It's a bit of a clutter *knocks head* here now that the exams are nearing to an end.

Saa... Let's get it over with?

So on Thursday, tomorrow, there's the preperation for my cousin's wedding.
My sister and other cousins will be staying there while I have to go home because I'm having Amaths the next day.

On Friday, Amaths exam. D: I hope I'll do really better than the paper 1.
Pick up Brandon's pendrive containing the GameBoy Advance Emulator (thingy). 8D
Will not be able to play soon though. D8
After the exam ends (at 11) I'll be rushing to my cousin's for her wedding day.
I'll be staying at her place with the other families for days until Sunday. The function will end late night on Sunday. Urgh. I see hard labour coming.

And then I have a day free before the Chemistry MCQ exam (Give back pendrive!), a day before Physics with Biology running next and then I'll be a free girl at last! 8D <3

I'll also be getting my hands on the Pokemon Indigo League series from Brandon during any time that week. <3 Can't wait to watch them! Thank you so much, Bran.

The next day after Bio, the girls and I, Vivien, Zahrah, Zwani are planning to go out to spend Vivien's Face/Body Shop coupons, catch a movie and sing our heart out. <3 can't wait. I need to arrange another with Shafiqah. (Have to buy a present for her on the day we go out!)
I miss them dearly.

Then I'll have 2 days to go in a frenzy to find lost books and stuff so I can give them back on the 22nd. Don't forget Daughtry's new album on the 21st! x
Also, I've got only a few days to pack for my 6 days (honeymoon. :p) trip with Iffah Majidah's family at Singapore, KL, Melaka.
I promise I'll upload pictures and posts about the trip if I can find the time. :D
This is going to be the second trip (via plane) I'll be having outside Brunei that is not KK, Miri nor Limbang. I hope I won't be uncomfortable again like I was the first time during March last year. :s


And then I'll be flying home on the 28th! 8D

I'll have a few days to relax and rest before my dental appointment on the 30th and my Thyroid on the 3/12 (coughcough)
Speaking of Thyroids! I think I got a mild infection of it again to another side of my neck. It's okay now I think... But I'm still hoping that I'll be okay during the trip.


And then early/middle December I'll be having another trip to KK (via land like usual) with my family (family of 5) and the other usual crowd (family of 12+2)... I'm betting they're adding the other 2 families too. Such a crowd right? XD That's why don't be surprised if you see me alone. That's what I usually felt when I'm with them. Because they're so many of us; I sinked.
Okay, enough of that, I'll talk about it next time. Maybe.

And so. Tell me.

WHEN WILL I BE ABLE TO PLAY AND WATCH POKEMON INDIGO LEAGUE/ADVANCE ;A;
And also update my fics?!?!
I promised them I'll update regularly after my trip with Iffah...............
Adajskskfkakkfks stupid me with my promises.

Argh. Okay. I'll just try my best.
I've calculated and roughly draft my chapters and I'm seeing 42+_ more chapters. We're saying a 58 chaptered fic here. Who would want to read that? T^T
Hmmmmmmmm... Maybe I should make each chapters eeeeeextra long? /shotforcheating
Hahahhahahahha! Oh whatever. I really want to end Changes soon.
And damn, there's so many others I've been meaning to type out and post. >_<
Urgh.

When will I be able to even BREATHE?

Labels: busy busy busy, clutter, exams, fanfictions, kota kinabalu, kuala lumpur, life, limbang, malacca, miri, o level, pokemon advance, pokemon indigo league, rants, singapore, trip, vacation, wedding day

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