I have been trying hard as I might to blog these past few months; but whenever I try to, I can feel myself sinking into my old, miserable self. I think I may have done too much heavy writing on this blog that it had made my mind so used to feeling this sinking, sticky feeling whenever I see my blog even when I'm not supposed to feel this way. People would say that I'd either need to stop blogging altogether or delete the old posts that made me feel this way. But I can't. As embarrassing or depressing my past is, the fact remains that they are MY past: the very foundation that have made me who I am today.

Even if I say that, I am still left puzzling over this situation that I am in. I had came here to blog with neutral feelings, yet now there's this sandy sandstorm of sadness and bewilderment rising in me. Where is this coming from? This blog? I can't exactly erase it, yet I find myself wanting to get away from it. The feelings attached to this is not healthy.

Now what should I do? I have always blamed my situation on myself.
"I was too depressed to study."
"I was too weak to be self-motivated and self-disciplined." It has always been my fault.

Little that I know, no matter how hard I work I will still end up fruitless because my parents never wanted my dream to come true. It was never a matter of permission - because as long as they feel that way, Allah will never let me even taste the chance of getting a scholarship - like what had happened in the last half a year.

If they have already stated clearly to me that they do not want me to get a scholarship, I might be able to change their minds and thus change the fate.
But after all those "You should have done better. You should have studied more. Aren't you jealous of all your friends?" who would expect that behind all that you were very relieved that my results were mediocre?
"Thank goodness she wouldn't get the grade"?
What kind of person wouldn't be mad that you were grumbling that "She still wants to go to UK, accept the fact that you couldn't get it please!" behind my back? Of course I would still long for UK, it was my dream! Will you never rest until I am crushed completely? I have suffered for almost a year, and I was hiding it. And you go about mocking my depression by saying that I should move on and GIVE UP THIS DREAM?

Screw you! There's no use of your bipolar selfishness in my life.

But what do I do now? The fleeting positivity that I was desperate to hold on was on the fact that I might get a second chance in the following years.

But does that even matter now? No matter what I do it would be useless because He will listen to them and He will grant THEIR wishes. He hears them because he never really listens to me, does He?

I am not destined to be happy, aren't I?

Labels: writing in a spell

Labels: books, kafka on the shore, murakami, quotes, uni life

1. Another early day to get my meds with Ken. They didn't have Calcitriol so I have to get it from RIPAS. /grumbles/ After that we went to get Ka Yui and Nini to go to Kilanas - Ken drove. It was sort of stressfully funny? Nini being old and has eye sight and memory problems plus none of us knew where the shop is, it took Ken multiple U-turns to finally find the place. It was superbly frustrating and hilarious at the same time.

2. Sofia and Aisyah came with their parents. I'm never not surprised when I hear them outside my bedroom without any notice. They live in KB and didn't we just meet last week and the last after as well? It's as if we were neighbours. I guess they're here to take some stuff that we don't use any more.

3. Decided to apply to Sapphira Cake House and Cafe at bandar where Beh works. Usually, whenever there's any complications, I'd turn down the idea but I really want this job even if it's hard for me. I need the money because I strongly dislike wasting my parents' money. Hope everything will go smoothly, hope parents would allow me to go alone to work.

4. Decided to add sentences at the end of every post: that had stuck with me from books I'm currently reading, movies I've watched or lyrics from songs on repeat. Just because.

Death exists, not as the opposite but as a part of life. - Norwegian Wood, Murakami Haruki. (chp 2, pg 30)

May 13

1. I hit one of mum's plants with the YRV and almost had a heart attack because the side was - how do you say it - sort of moved? Ka Yui saw the whole thing (well, she was the reason I backed up from the little road anyways) but I managed to look aloof about it all. Which is apparently a nice save because I managed to fixed it. I blamed the whole thing on my missing sunglasses and so Ken lent me hers - which is très chic.

2. We came earlier than we expected and thus spent time at Eileen's having a chat and tea (milo for Ken). Being in sync with each other meant that we talked about the usual girly things and had fun.

3. Met Hafeez a.k.a Duzfreund while waiting for Fifi's texts. It was really quite a pleasure seeing him again. If I remember correctly, our last meeting was our first - and that was about 4 years ago. We talked about life, how he's now a manager at Starbucks and how I'm still short despite the fact that gasp I am already 19? "How time flies." says the person who's confused about how old he actually is. (He's 21 by the way.) Maybe next time I should meet up with Duzfruend and we can chat.

Fifi coincidentally caught up with us while she was searching for me - as I was too busy talking to Duzfruend that I didn't noticed Fifi's texts. Them being cousins was old news to me, but it still doesn't change how small I felt the world is to me.

My relationship with both is actually quite similar: it's not a typical friendship where we talk everyday or something like that. Fifi and I were never actually classmates, as we only knew each other from mutual friends, which is the same with Duzfreund. We mentioned it during our lunch together: how our friendship is as special as Walter Mitty's friendship with Sean O'Connell - Fifi as O'Connell and I, as Mitty. The fact that this is from a favourite movie ours makes it a bit more special to me.

Fifi was really nice to take me out to lunch at Matadoe. After endless times of passing by and imagining myself inside, I finally had the chance to do it with a great company. The food was delicious, I had macaroni and Fifi had chicken straganoff  (which the waiter said, was sort of similar to the cream used in carbonara dishes). Not only did I get to eat there, it was also as if it came out from one of my daydreams: sitting at a cafe, drinking tea from a ceramic pot, having a nice conversation with someone, all the while basking in the whole atmosphere - great music, decor, food and ambience of it all. This definitely went to my favourite moments list. (And I wish I could write about it in a better way but I'm too lazy for that.)

4. I felt sorry that we had to cut the meeting off early though, as I had a movie to catch with Ken. Fifi agreed but we both believed that it's a sign to say that we should meet again. I can't wait! But at that moment we had to part ways. I was already a bit late. Ken and I went inside 5 minutes after it started. I loved the movie and watching it with Ken was definitely a plus. I loved all the three actresses - they were all equally gorgeous and adorable playing as their respective characters. I might download the movie just to watch it again.

5. Turns out Ken's friends took the later showing of Spiderman so we had to wait for an extra hour or so - we went to get Ken's photobook and then decided to go to Gloria Jean's as we never went there and both of us had wanted to for so long. I was disappointed that there were no English breakfast but the Chocolate drink I bought was actually pretty decent. I didn't borrow a book from the library but I might donate some soon. Some of our books here at home needs better owners.

6. I got into trouble because it was getting pretty late and because I planned to stay at Ken's at the last minute. But at least via text I can tell them my points and they can't actually scold me when I'm right. I don't even understand their anger and source of worry - I mean, Ken's friends are members of an Islamic CCA in ITB, the driver is a female who doesn't listen to music but the islamic channel. If you ask me, Ken and I were the most qualified of being the less "good" influences - but we're not even the rebel type. Seriously, parents. I had to give a reason for my sudden stay (honestly is to get out of nagging people) so I said that I'm helping Ken clean her room.

I wish I hadn't say that.



May 14

1. Woke up pretty late and started cleaning straight away. Didn't bother to shower because we're dealing with about a decade's worth of grime and dust. I believe that Ken's room is a part of a spiders' civilisation. I never knew their webs can be that intensive. It was about 1.30 and we had to go out to send something to one of the relatives and to throw the trash plus scavenging for boxes - still with the clothes we slept in. I got into trouble again because of that but I shot them down - again. Yeah~ Tiqah 2, Mom 0!

I felt sort of bad to leave Ken because there were still loads to do and the place was still horrible - but Ua was waiting for the food and parents were getting a bit testy. So I came back, took a shower and all that and fought against the fatigue. Helped a bit in the kitchen but ended up going in bed as they clearly don't need me. So despite initially fighting the drowsiness, I ended up losing to the sleepiness and took a nap.

2. I found out Norwegian Wood has its own movie adaptation and went on another movie downloading frenzy after Fifi told me about a site. The place is totally great! We discussed about our next meeting and so now I have to finish the book before I can get the movie from her.

OLD
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